Six degrees

Tonight after dinner, Dan asked Seth to grab his bottle of vitamins from the bin that was on the counter nearby. Seth looked at him rather blankly and said "which bottle is it," at which point both of us said "it's the one that says Vitamins." ::sigh::

So he starts going through the bin and pulls out a bottle. "Anti-diarrhea," said he. Then he pulled out a big bottle of Ibuprofen, read the label silently, then tossed it back into the bin. "It's a white bottle," said Dan. Seth promptly pulled up a prescription bottle -- orange -- to which Dan said "It says VITAMINS on it." "I don't know which one it is. None of them say Vitamins." ::sigh:: I said "it might say One a Day or something on it." He responded, "none of them say Vitamins. " He then starting clicking off the bottles he found: "Ibuprofen." "Anti-diarrhea." "Menstrual Relief," said with a particularly sassy tone that promptly caused Dan to hop up from his chair, grab the right bottle and hold it up triumphantly in front of the boy. The boy responded, equally triumphantly "It says Central-Rite! Not Vitamins." Dan's response was a Father Knows Best "well, it starts with a V."

And that's when it started.

Seth: "Well, so does Ventricle."
Dan: "Ventilate."
Seth: "Vitreum. Yeah, I know chemistry stuff."

Dan didn't have a chance to regroup before Seth burst out with a loud "Ven-testicle." Proving that age old law of teenagedom: there are no more than six degrees of separation between a teenaged boy and a dirty, or pseudo-dirty, thought.

The playlist

We moved Jill into her new apartment yesterday, thanks to a psycho roommate and no help from the housing office, but oh well, she now has a permanent living situation. Drove four hours south in a U-Haul truck, then left for Maryland for a wedding. Thank heavens for iPods.

I remember the days of trying to find a radio station, only to be met with either a) static or b) twangy country music. I don't mind a small dose of country now and then, but I prefer a mix of stuff, hence: the iPod. I was late getting on the iPod wagon, but once I did, I filled it up in less than two weeks. I probably need a bigger one, but it'll do for now.

So we were listening to my mishmash of music, which can vary from Pavorotti to Different Drums of Ireland to Flo Rida and back again. I was cracking up in Louisville when Dan and Seth were jammin out to Shakira's "Whenever, Wherever." The girl is nuts with her dancing - more like a stripper than anything -- but listening to those two singing and watching their groove was hilarious.


Shortly afterward, we stopped at a rest stop, where Dan got the crazy notion to check the trunk for our bag. What made him do that, I'll never know, but within minutes, everyone around us knew that we didn't have our suitcase. And we were on our way to a wedding in Maryland. And that it was my fault. Never mind that I drove the U-Haul and he packed the car -- I've got big shoulders and I didn't care, cause it struck me as funny. Even if neither of us had clean underwear, socks, or toiletries. I still thought it was funny. So sue me.

Dan went on a little rant for several miles, while Seth kept repeating "it doesn't really matter, Leslie loves us and doesn't care what we wear to the wedding." Over and over and over. Seth is going to make a good psychiatrist someday, and it's times like this that make me realize WHY he wants to be one.

Dan calmed down when he wanted to - maybe half an hour later -- but I still was told later that I was going to be charged with reckless homicide when his butt got infected from wearing sweaty dirty underwear, and he died from the subsequent infection. Go figure. That man has some kinda imagination. I was still laughing when I went to bed. I guess that something about wearing the same clothes for four days just hits my funny bone, but I laughed for at least an hour after I woke up. It's a lesson in humility. Or maybe infection control

More Adventures in Postage

I have the strangest experiences at the post office. Now, I love my postal workers -- they are the bomb -- but I have some really weird experiences AT the post office. Like the night the postage machine was possessed. Like the time I was standing in line and a little old lady drove her car right into the building.

So I went to the post office yesterday, to try to mail over a week's worth of shipping that had gotten delayed by some emergent happenings around the house. I even came home from camping to do the shipping -- that is how determined I was to get it done. So I had something like 11 packages to mail, and was happy to see when I got to the post office that there were actually some available parking spaces.

Keep in mind that this post office is really busy. It's one of a few in Indianapolis that do passports, so it gets more business than most. And the parking lot is a lesson in defensive driving. It has two routes, but neither are marked. Well, maybe three. You can drive straight in and park to the left of the building (the most safe option). You can turn right and STAY right and go to the drive thru mailbox area, then get the heck outta dodge. This is also a safe option, though it can get really irritating if you get behind someone who doesn't understand how a mailbox works. The exit is where this one gets tricky (more in a minute). The third option can be a little scary: turn right in the entrance, but stay to the left, and try to snag a parking place. This is tricky because if someone is backing out, they're gonna back right into you. And when you go to back out of your space, you can do the same, or get hit by someone who's too busy looking for a space instead of watching for you.

Keep in mind that options 2 and 3 exit the parking lot in the same place, so that's tricky too, because they merge together into two lanes. One is supposed to be a left turn lane only on the left, and right turn on the right side. People tend to go crazy getting here, and tend to want to be on the opposite side of where they are entering: parking lot people entering from the left want to be on the right when they leave, and vice versa. It's a little Keystone Kops, but most people can do it ok, with a little patience. Still, I've seen just about everything happen, until yesterday, which totally took the cake.

I was getting my packages out of the car when a lady in a tiny little car zipped IN through the EXIT, with a car coming from the mailbox lane, and an SUV coming from the parking lot. Drove against the traffic -- this is a NARROW space) and turned the wheel hard to pop into the parking space that the SUV was going for, narrowly missing them. Now, I don't usually confront strangers in parking lots, but I have had an awful week, and she irritated me. As in REALLY irritated me. So here's the exchange between us:

Me: "You know, this parking lot doesn't need any help with having accidents."

Her: 'Excuse me?"

Me: "You know, this parking lot doesn't need any help with having accidents."

Her: "Well, I was in a hurry, because the post office closes at noon."

Me: "The post office closes on Saturdays at 2:30, and you almost caused an accident."

Her: "I have an M.B.A."

Seriously? What? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? You have an M.B.A., so you can drive like an idiot? Well, I have a nursing license, and after the week I've had, I'm liable to leave you bleeding on the ground if you pull something that stupid and then cause an accident. Ok, well, not really, but man, was I irritated. This, coming from a probably 60yo with a little blonde ponytail, who was wearing ACID WASHED SWEATS. Acid washed in a lacy pattern, no less. I didn't even know you could get acid washed sweats, and quite frankly, I could've gone to my grave not needing to see them. Add to that that at first I thought she had on platform tennis shoes, till I realized that she had on those "make your butt better" Sketchers, and I no longer had any use for anything she had to say.

She walked into the post office still happily muttering about how she wouldn't have rushed if she'd known they were up, completely unaware of my total disdain for her. She had an MBA all right -- my bitchy attitude.

I need to start shipping from home. The post office is clearly not a positive experience for me.

The F word

Football is upon us once again. ::sigh:: So here was the conversation at the dinner table tonight:

::insert discussion between Dan and Thomas about going to Denver for Thomas' 21st birthday, when the beloved Broncos are playing the Colts::
Dan: "Seth, when are you going to become a football fan?"

Seth: "Well, Thomas started being a football fan when he was about my age. So it's either going to be soon, or maybe never."

Leaving it wide open, he is.

Christine, Part 2

OK, well "tomorrow" is a nebulous term at our house.

When last I posted, Dan was locked out of his van, now aptly called Christine. The windows were open, but the doors were locked. I thought he was crazy, but when I went out there to see what he was talking about, the locks were obviously fighting against me unlocking them. It was spooky. The back door which hadn't unlocked with the remote for years, had started unlocking with it earlier in the evening, but now was securely locked. The keys hadn't worked in any but two of the locks for years as well, and if the locks wouldn't open by hand, they sure weren't going to open with the key - which likely would've snapped off in our hand.

So we did what all intelligent people do in this situation. We went to bed.

The next morning, he was still stuck. I went out with him and suggested unhooking the battery. I figured it might hit some kind of reset button and make them go back to factory settings or something. Well, it worked. Kind of. As soon as the battery cables were unhooked, we were able to unlock the doors. We even did a little high five. That lasted as long as it took to hook the battery up again, at which time those devilish locks slammed shut all over again, and once again refused to open.

The end result? Dan unhooked the battery, unlocked the door and opened it, then hooked the battery up again, got in the car, closed the (locked) door, and drove to his destination. When he got there, he had to disembark by climbing out the window. Now, this works fine for a physically fit painter, but that afternoon, he took off in my car and dropped Seth and his buddy at the movies. It didn't take long to realize that I was going to have to pick them up by using the same process -- two fifteen year old boys diving in through the front window of the van in front of the movie theatre. OK, well, we can get away with that, but no way was I gonna climb out that window once we got home. And the steam coming out of the vents was unnerving, not to mention probably very bad for my asthma.

I called Thomas and he picked the boys up.

It wasn't long after this that Christine went to auto heaven, also known as Haughville, where his Guatemalan painting buddy will probably perform some sort of miracle and get her running again. I just hope he doesn't lock her.

Christine, Part 1

We drive our cars till they are dead. When he finally traded in his 1982 Datsun 200SX, his buddy came along for the ride, turning to him at one point to say "just let me know when you want me to get out and push, buddy." Once in a while, we revive one from the dead, too. Dan once hit a parked car with his old Grand Marquis, then took the insurance money, had it fixed, and drove it for another four years. And of course, there was the debacle that was our last trip to Tennessee. And then there is his current ride, ever after to be referred to as Christine.

His van is a Mercury Villager, retired from day to day family service some time back, when we bought the Town and Country. Dan's used it as his paint van ever since. Now, Christine has seen better times, and has had her share of dings: it was back into one time when a yuppie paint customer forgot that it was parked in the driveway - despite the fact that she had to climb over the painter's gear to get out her front door. That escapade ended with a new hood, which Dan painted gold, to go with the gold trim on the white van. There've been at least three other similar episodes, because there are large dents in three corners of the van. The turn signals frequently flash too quickly, because they tend to get filled up with water. The air conditioning gave up the ghost a long time ago, then suddenly started working again about three years ago. Like I said, that van has seen better times.

The kids have refused to drive it for some time, deeming it unsafe. They said that it wouldn't accelerate past 40 mph. Dan laughed and said "I drive that van on the highway." Thomas just shook his head, speechless. I drove it myself a month or two ago, for the first time in a long, long time, and was shaken by the experience. I was sure that a wheel was going to fly off and roll down the parkway, and I too took the vow to never drive his car. Dan thought we were all crazy, saying we just didn't know how to talk nicely to it, and that if you spoke to it with kindness, that van was just fine. Of course, that was before last week, when some kind steam/smoke/coolant started coming out of the vents, and he started having to travel with a pitcher of water handy. I think he was still hanging on to some kind of hope that perhaps it would fix itself, or show some kind of low cost solution to its ills.

Friday made a believer out of him.

He called me while I was at work and left me a voicemail saying "my car is possessed. The locks keep locking by themselves............oh, look at that, there they go again. I rolled the windows down and now they won't roll up. It's hissing and moaning and making sounds I've never heard it make. I think it needs hospice, honey, because it is dying." He went on to mention that he was borrowing Thomas' car to go and finish up a very small job with Seth, and then he'd be home for dinner. It was a couple of hours later when we headed back to give Thomas his car. *** (That's for later when I explain THAT story.)

We got to the parking lot where Thomas works, and Dan said, "look." He used his remote and unlocked the van. "Yeah?" I said. "What's the big deal." He held up his hand and said "wait. You'll see," and about thirty seconds later, the locks snapped shut by themselves. As in, no key in the ignition, no remote being used, by themselves. Freaky. He went round to the back of the van and used the remote to unlock it, mentioning that the remote hasn't worked on the back door of the van for several years. We had a laugh about how odd it was, and then took off toward home. That was when the noises started.

Hissing. Creaking. Moaning. Clanking a little bit from time to time. At one point, Dan cocked his head and said "wow, I haven't heard THAT one before." It was a little crazy. I mentioned something about it being a deathtrap, just as I noticed a wisp of white coming out of my vent. "What the heck is that," I said. "Oh, that's nothing," was his reply. "Look at this." He pulled away a towel that he had lining the area between the windshield and the dashboard -- right where the defrost works -- and a huge cloud of steam came up. "Good heavens, husband," I said, "You've gotta get me out of here before I have an asthma attack, or go up in flames."

It's a good thing we live close to where Thomas works, because two minutes later, we were home, standing outside the van, shaking our heads. And it was a couple of hours later when Dan came in and announced that he couldn't get in the van. He'd rolled up the windows for the night, and now the locks wouldn't unlock at all.

More tomorrow.

Seth-anese at the dinner table

A dinner discussion involved something about high school valedictorians. Seth's response? "What's a valedictorian? Cause for some reason, every time I hear that word, I think of the janitor."

What???

To be fair, he did say that he knew what a valedictorian is. He just couldn't remember. And maybe hethought they scrubbed toilets after graduation.