Wherein my superpowers are revealed.

Kinda crazy evening, dealing with T-mobile and a stolen phone -- they were wonderful, I might add, but it went far enough into the dinner hour that I decided to order Chinese. Hoppy Gardin, as I call it, does not take anything but cash for deliveries, so I decided to go pick it up, so I could use my debit card.

So, I found myself sitting on the corner near our house, mindlessly waiting for the light to turn green. Dum de dum...... So I think to myself, there sure used to be a lot of accidents at this intersection. I haven't heard of any for a while, but they sure could use a left turn light here, because I bet there still are accidents that I just don't hear about. Dum de dum......

BAM. I look up, and two cars have slammed into each other. They, in turn, slide into a car that, like me, is sitting in the left turn lane, innocently waiting for the light to turn green. Her car, in turn, slams into the car behind her. ::sigh:: Apparently, I have a newfound skill: thinking about things and watching them happen. Great.

This is where it can get complicated for a nurse. Lots of things go through your head very quickly: do you stop or not, is it safe to stop, and if you can stop, where is it safe to park so that you don't become one of the victims. It's not really a choice when you don't see anyone get outta the cars, or there's blood flowing.

I pull across, get in front of the wrecked cars and get out of my car, at the same moment as two of the cars start emptying. Guy #1 disentangles himself from the airbag, gets out and yells "Bitch HIT me!" Girl in car #3 gets out and yells "Effin bitch, wth..." ::sigh:: It's fun living in the ghetto, folks. You don't need a big vocabulary. Funny thing is, the "bitch" who was driving the car that started it was a dude. Anyway, I look in the other car, where guy #2 is getting out, looking rather dazed. He climbs back in his car pretty quickly when he realizes that everyone is mad at him. I'm looking in the back of the girl's car, where a guy has his head thrown back and is looking pretty green. He's not responding to me till she sticks her head in and yells at him, "HEY. Are you ok?". "Yeah." I ask if he's ok, and he turns his head a little bit toward me, then nods. She says "yeah, he was already sick, and now look at what that bitch did." ::sigh:: That's when I realize that there's a girl who's never made it out of the second car. She's awake, but her head hurts. I can't get to her, cause her door is damaged and won't open, so I tell her to stay still till the paramedics get there. Guy #2 is rubbing his elbow and asking how his car looks, still afraid to get out because everyone is mad at him. Yeah, it's better if he stays put, although Guy #1 is now crying. He's upset about his brand new car that he got three days ago, which now has some pretty significant damage. I feel his pain.

Two guys come up and say they've called 911. That's when I realize -- no lie, cause I can't make this up -- that one is a very effeminate Little Person, and the other is a very tall, very equally effeminate guy who is frantically gesticulating and telling me "they said to make her lay still, honey." Good Lord. How do I find myself in these situations? Only I could end up triaging patients in the middle of RuPaul's Drag Race.

We heard sirens, and I kid you not, RuPaul #2 went walking straight into traffic on 10th Street -- which was still moving at quite a clip, mind you -- waving his arms and jumping around, saying "thiiiis way, thiiiiis way." All he needed was a hankie to wave, it was so comical. I'm pretty sure that he wanted to be first to see the firemen, who, when they arrived, were disappointingly Not Hot. The two RuPauls disappeared shortly thereafter. I give everybody my name and cell phone number, talk to the police a bit, and went to get in my car. That's when I realize that car #4's driver has never gotten out of the car. She's in her sixties or so, and is just sitting there not saying a word. Good Lord. "Are you ok," I ask. She just smiled and nodded. "I'm just waiting for them to sort it out," she said, as I put my seatbelt on. Her car actually looks fine, and I thought to myself, "she's ok, and she probably the most normal one in the group." With age comes wisdom.

I was still smiling and shaking my head as I drove away. Who'd have thought? All I wanted was some Chinese food, and instead, I discovered I had superpowers.

Ancient Chinese Secret

I guess I haven't talked about work for a while. Maybe that's because I always seem to be at work. Working. Taking boring calls about vomiting, which is the diagnosis of choice lately.

With the change in temperature this week, we've been getting our share of other stuff, including some frostbite stuff -- cover up in these temperatures, folks, or your ears might fall off. Heck, even the puppy isn't liking this cold, cause he just does his thing and tears off for the door. It's cold, folks!

Last night, one of the pages we got said "chipmunk bite." Now, I know that I live in the city of concrete and gaseous manholes, but we were all trying to figure out how one gets bitten by a chipmunk in the middle of January in Indiana. Keep in mind, at my job, anything is possible, so we keep ourselves braced for anything -- like when I called someone tonight about "possible frostbite," and her "please enjoy this ringtone while we try to reach your party" song started blaring "chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose........" No lie. I couldn't make this stuff up.

So she gives a call to this lady, who has a Chinese name. Lady tells her that she was at work at her restaurant, and when she went outside, she saw a little chipmunk, and he wasn't moving. She was afraid he was frozen, so she took him inside and put him into a little container, to see if he'd come around. Checked on him every few minutes, and gave him a little poke. Realized she'd poked him one time too many when he reached up and bit her on the finger.

Me being me, when I hear the story, I wonder aloud if that chipmunk is now on the menu. Heck, my co-workers already think I'm warped for the things I come up with, so I tell 'em, "better not be eating any sweet and sour chicken at her place." Maybe I'll try Thai next time.