Saturday, July 02, 2011

This is my daughter on drugs

I've been running a M*A*S*H Unit of late, what with Jill getting her wisdom teeth out, and Seth getting a two for one surgical special on a shoulder and a toe. Yeah, I guess it's a good thing I'm a nurse.

Jill had her wisdom teeth out a week and a half ago. Her doc has his patients take a mild sleeping pill an hour before the procedure, and just like clockwork, Jill got loopy. She made it into the car ok, but then I realized she didn't have shoes on. When I told her to put her shoes on, she started a little diatribe about how she didn't think she should have to wear shoes into the office, and why couldn't she just go in in her socks? She lost that battle, but that's when it got interesting.

She went to put her shoes on, and suddenly exclaimed "these shoes are made by COMMUNISTS!" She seemed rather amazed, then thrust them up to the front seat to her boyfriend Michael, who was riding shotgun. "LOOK," she said, then grabbed the offending shoe back, and said "Better red than dead." Michael said "well, I'd rather be alive," at which point Jill said "are you a COMMUNIST?"

Oye vay. Michael is as gentle a soul as anyone could ever be. I don't even know if he votes, but I do know one thing, and that's that he is neither Red nor dead.

We managed to get her inside the doctor's office, where she promptly started dancing with Michael. When they called her name, the last thing we heard before the door closed was the lady asking Jill if she needed to use the restroom, and Jill responding with a crisp "nope." The girl was stoned outta her mind.

Afterward, it took Michael and the tech to get the girl into the car, cause she could barely stand. Once inside and rolling, she pronounced that she was "seeing three of everything," and started counting it out: "three guys, three trucks, two telephone poles, three lights......" That was fine, but then she started grabbing at things in the air. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "trying to catch them, whatever "them" was. Then she suddenly let out an emphatic "Communist!"

Apparently, that lady at the bus stop was a Communist. Who knew?

We kept going, at which point Jill pointed to a building and said "that's full of bad people." Michael responded with an incredulous "Lutherans?" because she had just pointed to Gethsemane Lutheran Church (or Jessamain, as Dan once called it. Yeah.) I always knew that Jill was less than impressed with that church's soup, as they hosted some of the Wednesday services during Lent, and their soup and sandwich suppers did not meet her expectations. Apparently that made them bad people in her eyes.

Then Michael asked me what was in the road up ahead, because yes, there was something, and we were far enough away that it was hard to tell what it was. I told him I wasn't sure, then realized it was a plastic bag. When I told that to Michael, Jill responded, "there's a kitten in it." Michael, once again mystified by this person his girlfriend had become, said "a kitten?" and started laughing. Jill acknowledged it, and we both laughed.

When we got home, it took both of us to get her into the house, a feat accomplished only after I lifted her feet up on the single step of the porch, because she kept trying and couldn't get her foot high enough. If I'd waited for her, we would've been there a while. Once inside, we took the path of least resistance and put her to bed. She almost missed the bed when she sat down, then immediately took one shoe off. She couldn't get the other off, so I removed it for her and told her to lay down, at which point she went straight back, lying across the bed instead of the length of the bed, where she proceded to sleep for a good hour or two.

Yep, she's a cheap junkie. The next time she has surgery, we will sell tickets. I will be rich. Would that make me a Communist?