Monday, December 02, 2013

Tie One On

I know I mentioned that Jim's goal was to teach Seth to iron over Thanksgiving break, but yeah, it didn't happen.  Not yet, at least.  He did, however, teach Seth to tie a tie.  Listening to a Marine on a good day is an interesting thing, but this just cracked me up.  Imagine yourself as me, sitting in the living room, TV on, listening to two guys with severe ADHD trying to perform a semi-complicated feat.  Now, add to it that Seth is standing in front of Jim watching.  Jim is right handed.  Seth, who is ambidextrous, does the majority of things left handed.  I'm just not so sure that this is going to work at all, but Seth is standing there, intently listening.  This, in and of itself is something of a miracle.   He must REALLY have wanted to learn.

 Here's the blow by blow:

::Jim takes tie in hand.  Puts it around his neck and adjusts it slightly, whilst it it untied::
Jim:  "You put it around your neck like this.  Now, some people will say you have to get the ends even.  That's bullshit."
::makes a few moves -- remember, I am behind him so I can't see exactly what he's doing::
Jim:  "Pull it tight. Not too tight.  This is not a lynching."
Jim:  "Before you slam it tight and shut, you have to make some adjustments.  This is where it gets cute. The Marines put what we call a dimple. You see this length here."  ::indicates end of tie, I think::
Seth: "I've heard many things about where that goes."
Jim:  "The only thing you do is take it and put it through like this."  ::puts it through the tag::  "That's all it's for.
It's still not tight.  So you still got plenty of room to tighten this up to make it smaller. The key thing is that you can just leave it like this and take it off."
::takes it off and hands the tied tie to the boy::
::Checks the tie on the boy::
Jim: "What we can do is this.  Take that off."
Seth: "How do you loosen it up?"
Jim: "Pull on this piece de resistance....Don't hang yourself!"
::adjusts tie::
::undoes tie instead::
Jim: "Around, up and through, pull your loop out like so, put your tie through.  Now again, it's pretty short."
::takes it off and adjusts::  ::hands tied tie to the boy::
Jim:  "Nonononononononono.  YES.  That's a boy.  Tighten it.  Is it tight tight?  Now, this is where it's supposed to hit.  It needs to be shorter.  You don't want to pee on it.
::takes it off::
Jim:  ::glances at TV:: "Dammit, the Colts are gonna lose this game."
::puts tie on himself::
Jim: "Now, when you get done figuring this out........::tying:: Here.  Try that.  Ah, nope.  Too short. Too short."
::takes it off again and hands it back::
::more adjustments::  :hands it back::  ::silence::
Seth: ::looks at TV, where there's a commercial for Elementary playing:: "Wait, there's two Sherlock shows?"
Jim:  "Yeah yeah, that's the modern one.  Fix your collar. "Is too long?  Fix your collar.  Look up. ::Seth looks at ceiling:: Not THAT high."
Jim:  "You said to look UP."
Jim: "What the hell are you DOING?"
Seth: ::tie is now tied, and tucked into the top of his shirt:: "Tucking it into my shirt?"
Jim: "What the HELL?"
Seth: "I like how it looks."  ::please note, it it fully tied, and tucked against his chest, inside his shirt::
Jim:  "That's an ascot.  You're not Richie Rich.  Take that out of there."
Seth:  "I like how that looks."
Jim:  "To get an ascot, you basically get a scarf and poufy it up.  You're not poufy.  Now, where's that other tie.  The one you wear to funerals?"
Seth: "The yellow one?"  ::note to self:  we now wear yellow to funerals::  :Seth dons a vest::
Jim:  "Yeah, that one.  Where the hell did you get THAT?"
Seth:  "YOU picked it out!"
Jim:  "I did?  OK.  That's a nice tie."
Seth:  "So I need to pouf it up then?
Jim:  "NO.  You are NOT POUFY.  What, are you gonna wear it?"
Seth:  "I'm not planning to like, go in this, but I want to see what it looks like."
Jim:  "Now, see where that one is?  Same thing.  See this tag?"
Seth:  "Do all ties have that tag in them?"
Jim: "Yes, unless you rip it off when you're drunk. Now, put the tie inside the vest."
Seth: "OH.  That's what I was thinking about.  Not that ascot thing.  Putting it into the vest.  Not the shirt."
Jim:  "Thank God.  Where's your scissors, Lisa?"
Me:  "There's a crappy pair of scissors here.:
Jim: "Yeah, just give me the crappy ones.  ::glances at TV again:: What?  Tennessee has the ball.  What a pile of crap.  Now, what you have on you right now is that you are dressed up enough to go to a wedding.  Except the jeans.  ::note, he has gone from a funeral to a wedding, with just the addition of a vest::  You clip the tie bar to your shirt so it keeps your tie down like this.  The tie bar thing you can wear anywhere you want.  Tradition says the Marine Corps wears it in the middle. Now you don't have to tie a tie for the next four years."
Me:  ::trying to point out the obvious fact that Jim has just tied both ties:: "You know, you were supposed to TEACH him to tie the tie.

They both look at me rather crazy and say, "HE DID."  And I'll be darned, that kid took an untied tie and tied a perfect knot with no direction, and full approval from the Chief Warrant Officer.  Guess that shows you what I know.

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