My dear friend has a kidney stone. A big, sometimes stationary, sometimes moving, painful-as-hell kidney stone. She is not amused.
She should be, given the fact that her granddaughter has deemed her kidney stone, a "kidney rhinestone." Brings quite the visual to an otherwise miserable experience, doesn't it? Me being me, the first thing that came to mind was a song called "Rhinestone Kidney," set to the tune of "Rhinestone Cowboy." Problem is, I am completely uninspired as to what the lyrics would be. I've tried and tried and pretty much have........nothing.
Till another friend mentioned that perhaps it should better be set to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds." Perfect, given how many drugs she's on right now. As in, they can't get the light over her bed to go off. I mentioned that she could just shoot it out, since after all, she's in Texas. She replied something about "one and done," and I seriously started being concerned about her nurses' safety.
"Picture yourself on a bed in the ER
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
Somebody drugs you, you move oh so slowly,
A girl with a kidney rhinestone.
A nonstop spotlight of yellow and green
Towering over your bed
Look for the girl with the glint in her side
Cause she's the one:
Tina in the ER, with rhinestones..........."
Oh, I could go on, but the Beatles made it confusing enough the first time around, don't you think? And though she's on two heavy duty pain meds, it still doesn't equate to the stuff the Fab Four were smokin' when they wrote the song. That being said, I think drugs are probably the only option when you have a Texas kidney stone. I've never had one, but I know a lot of people who have, and I think it is best described by a friend who said that her father, a very stoic Marine, found himself on all fours, yelling "Sweet JESUS, take me now."
Maybe it would've gone better for him if he too had had a kidney rhinestone.