Going to Hell in a blister pack

One of the hospitals we answer for at work is Methodist Hospital, in Indianapolis. The Methodists believe in freedom of expression, so we can talk pretty freely to our callers. The Catholic hospital I used to work for, on the other hand, probably had me right on the top of the "needs a rosary said for them" list.

I probably have at least a dozen nuns praying for me nonstop, even now -- seven years after I left there.

The Catholics believe that birth control is a sin. They don't use it (::wink wink::). We weren't allowed to discuss birth control with our callers, EVER. I think sometimes that they got Protestant callers to call in as mystery shoppers, just to make me sweat. I toed that line so close that my boss would come out of her office, shaking her head saying, "you sure do dance all around it, but you never QUITE break the rules, do you?" I just grinned.

Never really envisioned myself dancing around a pack of birth control pills, but whatever rocks your world. I never got written up.

It was so crazy there that that same Irish Catholic boss, who was, I will say, much admired by yours truly, hated to shut her computer down because it said "aborting operation." Oye. She wouldn't let her kids eat at McDonald's because there was some connection between them and Planned Parenthood. Don't ask me what, cause I didn't want to know, but maybe Ronald was secretly handing out prophylactics with the fries. Brings a whole new meaning to the idea of a Happy Meal, now doesn't it?

But here with the Methodists, I started out yesterday with a call about erectile dysfunction, and ended it with someone who had "rainbow colored bugs flying out of every orifice." And started my day today with someone who wanted "help with conception." What she thought I would be able to do about that, I'll never know, but maybe if she'd called the Catholics......

So yeah, those Catholics are probably still praying for me, but so are some Methodists I know, as well as some Presbyterians, and probably a few others that I don't know about. God knows, I can use all the help I can get.

But underneath it all, we're all the same, so let me show you the way with this Henson Kickernik lavender teddy, from The Ornament Gal, on ebay. Cause if I'm gonna burn in hell, I'm gonna look good doing it!

Unrequited Love

So yeah, we answer any call that comes in at my job. The answering services say that they hate paging us with some of the whacko stuff that people come up with, but I love the weird ones, cause normally it's a lot of the same stuff: cough, colds, vomiting, that kind of thing. So when someone rattles the cage a little, it keeps things interesting on our end.

Except the real nutjobs. Got a page this week for a guy who was, to paraphrase, having problems completing the job, and had swollen areas in the southern region. Oye. And on the Sabbath too. Why these things come up in the afternoons, I'll never know, but you can pretty much predict that the sex calls and such will happen in the afternoon. Afternoon Delight, I guess.

Called him back, but the dude never answered the phone. Must've figured it out, or found some other hapless victim, but he never called me back, and I didn't return the favor.

And so, for you manly men out there, here's a Ring a Ding Ding Gold Panel Rat Pack Shirt, from Fast Eddie's Retro Rags, on ebay.