Most of you know that I am a nurse. I don't work in the trenches anymore; I work in a call center, answering calls for people who call hospitals and doctors' offices when they are closed. They call with questions, day and night. We never know what is going to happen when the phone rings, or the pager goes off.
But tonight was a doozy. Here's a little sampling:
"I have a few questions about oral sex. I was sitting here, thinking about foreplay and about receiving oral sex and wondered, can you get any STD from receiving oral sex?"
Guess she doesn't watch Monday Night Football.
"Oh, really? Well, maybe I shouldn't let anyone do that to me."
"How can you prevent getting an STD during foreplay or oral sex?"
"Oh, I don't think I should let him do that anymore."
"Oh, and one more question: a friend told me that if you are receiving oral sex, and a man blows into you (NOTE: apparently this does NOT apply to lesbians) that you can get something, is that true?"
"Oh, well, maybe I just shouldn't let him do THAT either."
Ma'am, the next sound you'll hear is the sound of the "you're too dumb to have sex" alarm. EVER. EVER.
ding ding ding
Kinda along the same vein as the call I had a couple of weeks ago, saying "he just gave me oral sex (NOTE: she used a much more crass term) and now my lip is all blown up and swollen." Mind you, this is NOT the lip she kisses her mother with. I go through all of the usual questions: how long ago ("about three minutes"), are you in pain ("hell, yes"), any chance that you're pregnant (let's hope not). When I told her I thought she would live to ahem, love again, she practically yelled "but what am I gonna do about this swollen up lip?"
ding ding ding
I mentioned it to my dearly beloved, and he said I should've told her to get with a vegetarian the next time.
Yet another one:
Page reads: "dead baby in tube". Test tube? Fallopian tube? Pneumatic tube? Sometimes you just don't want to know.
"I went to the doctor because I have this pain on the right lower side. They said I had an infection, and gave me antibiotics, but they didn't say anything about that maybe I have a dead baby in my tube."
"Oh, I had a tubal ligation a year ago, and now I am itching like crazy, and tearing my skin up till I bleed, and no one has said that maybe it's from a baby in my tube."
"And I have constant pain that only is there when I move a certain way, but the itching has me all broken out in sores, and I can't stop scratching."
"I don't have any sores, but I can't sleep and I need to make an appt to talk to the doctor about getting this tubal ligation reversed. I don't want any more kids, but I have to stop this itching, and if it means that I have to have the tubal reversed, then I will. If I get that tubal reversed, will that dead baby just pass, or what?"
Oh. MY. GOD.
DING DING DING DING DING DING
This coming after the first call of the shift, when a mom said her kid was in the office today, had a shot of antibiotics, because "he's not good with medicines", and he's not any better now. Well, of course not, cause it takes antibiotics a while to kick in. But Mom wants the doc paged. Doc isn't on call. Doc on call doesn't know her child from Adam, but Mom wants to talk to the doctor. NOW.
No, he's not in pain. No, I'm not concerned about dehydration. No, he's not running a fever. "Ma'am, why is it that you need to talk to the doctor?"
"Because his body is eating all of his fat up." Now, the nurse asks, very gently (as the mother was irate before the first word exchanged): "How do you know his body is eating all the fat up?"
"Because (insert, you stupid b*tch nurse who obviously knows nothing), I can smell it on his breath."
I'll tell you one thing: if you can smell fat on someone's breath, I smell like Three Musketeers.
Are they vegetarians?