The whole world's a squirrel, and my family is nuts

Winter is coming, and the squirrels are out in droves. More than one in our neighborhood has gone on to meet his maker, when trying to answer that fateful question - why did the squirrel cross the road? (Answer in our neighborhood: cause he had a death wish.)

The squirrels make me crazy, because I not only have to play dodge 'em with them when I'm driving, but our dogs think it is their mission in life to rid the world of squirrels. This means that instead of performing the intended functions outside, at the first sound of a squirrel, they will barrel over our 5+ foot privacy fence, and make for the trees. I'm left chasing after them, at 7 in the morning in my bathrobe, swearing my intentions to either euthanize the idiot dogs, or eat them. I'm sure the neighbors just love it. It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

But the squirrels aren't the only ones here storing up for the winter. Food has been disappearing here at an alarming rate. I made a pan of brownies last night -- a 13 X 9 pan, I might add -- and it was gone in less than an hour. Mind you, there are five people in our family, and I didn't eat any of them. But of course, bring it up to the little family, and they do a Hallelujah chorus of "I didn't get any either." Right.

My family hides food everywhere. I keep telling them that they are all headed for eating disorders, because there is food squirreled in every corner of the house. I've never seen anything like it, and the dh is the worst. I can't tell you how many times I have opened his sock drawer to put things away, and found Twinkies or cookies or Blowpops. I always know if the kids have found his newest hiding place, because I'll hear a cabinet or drawer open, and the next thing I hear is him muttering "d*mn kids. I can't keep anything around here."

Now, we get an unbelievable amount of trick or treaters at our house. People import them from the neighborhoods around us, because we have a nice neighborhood where people feel safe -- and we are surrounded by the ghetto. I'm never quite sure how much candy to buy for Halloween, and I have to buy it at the last minute, lest it disappear into the depths of our house somewhere, never to be seen again. This year, I went to the store and bought candy to the tune of about $40, and told the dh he was, under NO circumstances, to open any bags until they were needed. I kept track of those bags, because I caught him trying to make off with one within ten minutes of it coming in the door. He and the kids agreed that the "good", aka chocolate, candy would be opened last, and were horrified to hear me say that if it wasn't used, it was going back to the store, because NO ONE in this house needs any more candy.

We had three bags of chocolate left over, which I put on the table and told the little family, under no circumstances were they to touch. I was going to return to the store the next door. Went to let the idiot dogs out, came back and the candy had disappeared into oblivion. Of course, NO ONE knew where it was, with the dh denying having taken it the most vociferously -- so, of course, I knew it was him. I looked in all of the usual places, with no luck. Oh well, I figured it was long gone, into his van, his workshop, or his belly. Who knows.

So last week, I was straightening up our bedroom, getting ready for a photo shoot. Picked up one of his shirts and almost yelled, because I thought I'd found a mouse nest, right in our room.

It was a piled of empty Snickers wrappers.

Not too long after that, I came upon his stash. When I mentioned it to him that night, all he could do was grin. While eating a Three Musketeers AND a Snickers.

I live with a bunch of squirrels.