Let's (not) Spend the Night Together

Hubby's in Florida this weekend, with two of the kids. He went to visit his parents, who are celebrating their 50th anniversary later this week.

Fifty years is a long time to be sharing a bed.

I'm sleeping great with the old guy away. I don't think I was never meant to share a bed, but haven't been able to talk the hubby out of it, for some reason. Our sleep habits are completely different, requiring me to learn Defensive Sleeping 101 very early on.

I love the guy -- I just can't sleep with him. He is so restless that there are many days that I wake up and the covers are completely upside down from how they started: the sheet is on top, then the blanket, and the bedspread is touching skin. Sometimes the sheet and blanket are on the floor, and we're just under the bedspread. How he does that, I'll never know, but he does.

I stay up a lot later than he does, too, so when I come in to bed, he is sprawled all over the place. I tell him to move over, to which his response is "I'm a big man, honey." And my response is "and I'm a big girl, so move your butt over." He does --- usually taking most of the covers with him.

DH's favorite sleep position involves putting his hands behind his head, like he's looking up at the stars. Well, I'm the one who has SEEN stars, when he brings those hands up, because he has whacked me in the head/eye/ear more times than I can count. I now sleep with my hands up over my head -- in supplication to the Goddess of Sleep that I get through one night without getting clocked. It's also a position that keeps me from getting ahacked in the head/eye/ear by his elbow -- something that happened many a time before I learned how to protect myself.

Just about the time I think it's safe to go into dreamland, he will roll over to face me, bring his knee up, and knee butt me right in the lower back. That HURTS, plus one has to keep one's balance, because with as close to the edge as I usually am, I have actually been kneed right out of the bed a few times -- including once when I was seven months pregnant. The man has no mercy.

Sleeping together isn't so romantic when you need body armor to do it. I've tried to talk him into twin beds like Ricky and Lucy, but he's not buying it. So I told him, if anything happens to him, I am NOT getting remarried. I love the man, but I will never, ever share the covers with anyone again.

DH, being male, said "you mean to tell me that you are never going to have sex again?"

::sigh:: I didn't say THAT.

I'd just find me someone young and grateful, who goes home at the end of the night.

And so, if you want to look great as you practice Defensive Sleeping 101, here's a great 30s bias cut embroidered nightgown from that store that is surely named after me, Old & Beautiful, on Main Street. The slippery satin will help your aerodynamics as you practice Defensive Sleeping 101. Covers not included.