Monday, April 16, 2007

Vintage Terrorist Part II -- Osama bin Lingerie

Well, I'm back at it again -- I'm once again a Vintage Terrorist. Most jobs come with a job description, but not this one. I've kind of had to make it up as I go along.

Some of you may remember my first days as a Vintage Terrorist, when the dd and I got thrown out of the library, with our model and her agent. (If you missed it, it's in the archived posts.) Well, this time I managed to start mayhem without even leaving the house. I'm getting GOOD!

I came across some nice Miss Elaine peignoirs last week. Gorgeous stuff, that Miss Elaine lingerie. But I had four different ones, with four different labels. I've got a small collection of ME (LOL -- that looks funny), and I've always wondered about how to date it. Thanks to my dear friend Michelle, from Dollhouse Vintage, there is a nice Vanity Fair label history on myspace. It's a gorgeous page, as is all of Michelle's work, so please be sure to check it out.

Well, me being me, I decided that it'd be nice to do my part for lingerie history. My second grade report card did, after all, say that I am a curious girl. Mind you, doing my part for lingerie history would NOT involve me wearing it -- actually, me wearing it could be the end of the world as we know it -- and no one would feel fine. What does one do, when one wants to find out about the company? One emails the company.

That's exactly what I did, and after a couple of emails back and forth, I was told that I would NOT be allowed to have that information "because we don't know what you're going to do with it?" WHAT? I guess now I'm Osama bin Lingerie.

And so, in thinking really hard about it for the past few days, I've
come up with the top ten evil things I could or could not have done with Miss Elaine's history, had I actually been given ONE IOTA of information from the lingerie Nazi.

1. I couldn't have passed it on to al Quaeda, cause everyone knows that they wear Formfit Rogers Pucci, and that's why those guys are so difficult to find.
2. I couldn't have used it to get my husband to wear ME, cause the last time he wore my lingerie was at my bridal shower (another story for another day).
3. I could've passed it along to Vince aka Emanuelle (see my Raspberry Beret post, in the archive), however, I have witnessed the fact that Vince is more of a Jockey bikini guy. In red.
4. Guess I could've passed it along to the guy who emailed me when I had my rhumba panty/bra set up a couple of weeks ago, telling me that his "clients" like to see him in frilly girly stuff, and did I think they'd like it? Needless to say, I didn't respond to that one. Even I have my limits.
5. Maybe they didn't want me to have it, cause it has something to do with the numbers on LOST. Hey wait -- maybe the monster is really Miss Elaine! It is, after all, always blowing smoke. Gonna have to ponder that for a while.
6. Maybe I would actually discover the Miss Elaine's label that says "may contain nuts." The one that they NEVER intended to come out of the closet. The one that could lead to the real identity of Miss Elaine: Mr Alejandro.
7. Maybe I would actually find out that the Roswell UFO incident involved aliens who were, indeed, clad in beautifully embroidered peignoirs with the embroidered ME label. Or was it the gold one? Maybe each one has its own extraterrestial meaning -- meaning I should be phoning home soon.
8. With enough research, I'm sure that I would find photos of Curt Cobain wearing ME onstage. Or Courtney Love. I'm actually sure that is a FACT that I could prove, with a bit 'o research.
9. And perhaps, most of all, they are afraid that I will find out the real answer to the great mystery of life: If a man is standing in the forest speaking and there is not a woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? Answer: not if both of them are wearing Miss Elaine. But that's not possible, because when the man emailed the company, asking if they had his size, he was told that they couldn't give that information, because they didn't know what he would do with it.

Rendering the man, and my theory, wrong.

So, ME angered me, and I chose against featuring one of their lovelies, because pretty is as pretty does -- and ME wasn't pretty to me. So, I am featuring a Triumph International swimsuit from my own collection (yes, it's for sale, just email me), because Triumph International makes some darn lovely lingerie of their own, without, once again, turning me into a Vintage Terrorist. I do that well enough on my own.

9 comments:

Kiowa said...

Of course the aliens would be wearing the older gold embroidered label Miss Elaine peignoirs. Except for the ones from Jupiter, they are more blue embroidery label folks.
javascript:void(0)
Publish Your Comment

dorotheasclosetvintage said...

My money is on ME having something to do with the deaths of Anna Nicole Smith, Daniel, Marilyn AND perhaps even Jayne Mansfield. All those gals were known to sport some racy lingerie, and Daniel just gets in the mix by default. And all died fairly mysteriously (in Jayne's case, perhaps some stray chiffon in the line of sight?)

Ang

Julie The Zaftig Goddess said...

They were probably worried because they know that both Torture Al Gonzales and Karl Rove both prefer to wear ME whilst using their special RNC email addy to take over the country and they thought you were actually from The Daily Show looking for confirmation.

Hoardmeister said...

Dahlings,

You've got it all wrong...they are simply terrified that someone will uncover the Great Miss Elaine Disaster of 1972. Exploring the possiblity of using natural fibers as well as nylon, etc., they tried mixing the synthetics with the DNA of a Venus Fire Trap plant. (The scientists thought since the jaws are so strong, the ensuing hold would have a girdle-like effect.)

What they did not envision was that the lingerie made from this new miracle fiber, Plantalon, was RAVENOUS for human flesh! No sooner did you don a lacy panty when the thing attacked you from all sides! Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the wholesalers, and Plantalon Lingerie went out to stores all over the country. Well, my dears, sheer carnage! What can I say. Many, many injuries were caused,most of them to salesclerks trying to pull the lingerie out of the drawers or off the hangers to show the customers.

There are still some women who remember the Great Miss Elaine Disaster of 1972...to this day they only wear hemp.

funkoma said...

Osama bin Lingerie Now that's comedy....
ME is terrified, ter-ri-fied, that you will use ME knowledge to fly ME but not land ME....
that you will pass ME secrets to Fidel Castro who will give up OD green for ME pink and cause Miami to transmogrify.....
that you will use your ME smarts to expose & satirize corporate silliness....oops...too late!

Anonymous said...

Maybe they think With The Information, you will have the labels reprinted, embroidered and then haphazardly sewn into the Sears & Penney's lingerie to try and pass it off as Miss E. Their clients would be MORTIFIED to know they're 'only wearing SEARS!'

I can see that being a BIG PROBLEM. And I'm sure it's something you may have thunk o'doing.

Jen @ Momspatterns who can't remember her login. Actually, I just don't want to log in with it because I don't know what you'll do with it.

ikwewe said...

LOL, the plot thickens. I went to the uspto site to see if I could demystify the labels and LO! Though they have 12 labels registered, not one has a representational image. All are left to the imagination of the onlooker. Could it be that the philosophy of concealment is operating here? Leaving things up to the imagination allows for more interest?

Viviene said...

What ME does not want you to know is that the person behind the label is not Miss Elaine, but Mister Ernest.

What sexy woman is going to buy an ME peignoir set when they find out that Miss Elaine is really Mister Ernest?

And what self respecting sex bomb is going to wear an ME nightie when they find out that Mister Ernest is the brother-in-law of a casket manufacturer. Why do you think that crepe looks so familiar?

Anonymous said...

Ssssshhhhhh! Come closer because I have to whisper. And I MUST remain annonymous at all costs. I'm actually an undercover reporter doing an expose story on the manufacturing practices at ME. I have recently uncovered secret company memos that were headed for the shreader. These memos have very clearly implicated ME with Kathy Lee Gifford and a Third World Sweat Shop. Watch your local news for the full report. It will surely be the scandal of the decade!