Here We Go Again

The other day, I mentioned that Jim had taught Seth how to tie a tie.  The boy amazed me, really.  So today, I get a text from him.  The exchange went like this:

Seth:  Did I leave my decent pants somewhere in my room or something?  Also, are you supposed to wear the tie inside the collar flap or just around your neck?

First of all, this worries me.  What does the boy consider to be "decent pants?"  It kind of scares me to think what pants he might be wearing around Butler.  It would scare you too, if you saw just how dressed down this kid takes it at home.  The kid likes comfy clothes.  I take no responsibility, especially if he's walking around in sweats with a tie around his bare neck.

Me:  I will look for the pants.  Tie goes around the collar when it's folded down, not against your skin.

Maybe this doesn't make sense, but I hate long texts on my phone, and I thought that making it quick and dirty might get through to him.  Not so much.

Seth:  What do you mean by folded down?

This kind of reminds me of the "define what 'is' is" quote of days past.  Folded down. As in, not up.  Too bad that tie didn't come with a GPS installed in it.  I'm thinking the boy has no future in origami.

Me:  Pop the collar.  Put the tie on.  Fold down collar over the tie.

Breaking it down more.  Small words.  Short sentences.  I'm thinking we have got it now.......

Seth:  Oh.  Welp.  I thought Jim said it just goes around the neck...

He has no idea how he got this idea. He did, however, inject all the love in his heart into his response, which was given official approval of the US Marine Corps.

Me:  Look at a YouTube video.

At this point, I threw in the towel, and was pretty sure that he didn't quite understand what I was saying.  I also knew that he was likely getting ready for class, and was getting increasingly concerned at what he was gonna look like as he went out the door.

Seth:  I understand how to do it, I just thought he said elsewise.

So I guess the entire exchange may've been for nothing.  I'm still not quite sure.  I'm also not sure if he unerstands where the tie goes.  And notice, there was not one question about how to actually tie the tie.  It was only about the location of the tie, which would imply that perhaps Jim put the cart before the horse when he showed Seth how to tie the tie without making clear the placement of said tie before you start.

It's no wonder my brain feels broken some days.

Say WHAT?

I swear, these menfolk have conspired to make me crazy.  We all know about Sethanese, and the twists and turns it takes.  Well, the boy is safely esconced at Butler, having a fine time -- and some Viking funerals, I'm told.  I thought Sethanese was something of the past, but noooooooooooooo.  Jim has taken it over.

Entered into evidence, tonight's discussion.  To set the scene, we were watching Terminator: Salvation.

Him:  "Who is that guy?"
Me: "Who?"
Him:  "That guy.  I don't think that's Christian Bale, is it?"  (guy was covered in muck)
Me:  "No, I think that is Sam what's his name, from Avatar."
Him:  "Who?"
Me: "Him."
Him: "THAT guy?" (different guy was now on the screen)
Me: "No, that's Christian Bale.  THAT guy."  (pointing to the original guy)
Him:  How do you know that's Christian Bale?"
Me:  "Because it IS."
Him:  "What's that guy's name?"  (pointing to the same guy)
Me:  "CHRISTIAN BALE."
Him:  "But I thought you said it was the guy from Avatar."
Me:  "Oh, never mind."

They are conspiring to make me crazy.  And truly guys, it's not that much of a stretch, on a good day.  Seriously.

It's Been a While........

Since we've enjoyed a bit 'o Sethanese.  And so it was that tonight, the Spare to the Throne came upstairs and handed me a piece of paper and a pen.  It's the beginning of the semester, which means Mom signs syllabi that promise his teachers that I have read it (at this point, I don't) and that Seth will do everything the instructor requests (he does).  I signed it.  Handed it back to him.  Told him to go. to. bed.

He walked away.  I said "hey, here's your pen."  He looked at me blankly and said "it's not my pen."  I said "You gave it to me."  His reply?

"That means it's YOUR pen."  He wandered out, shaking his head at my lack of comprehension.

See, this is where Sethanese both makes perfect sense, and drives the mother to the brink of madness.

Further proof that Sethanese is catching

With the New Year fast approaching, I thought I'd share a tidbit of Sethanese, according to Jill. This happened around the 23rd of December.

Jill: "What time are we opening presents on Christmas morning?"
Me: "I think it will be after church."
Jill: "No, I mean Christmas morning, not Christmas Eve." (we open one present on Christmas Eve)
Me: "I am talking about Christmas Eve. Grandma and Grandpa are going to go to church, and I might too, so you guys can sleep in and we can open presents at around noon."
Jill: "Mom, they don't have church on Christmas Day."
Me: "Yes they do, when it's on a Sunday."
Jill: "Christmas is on a Sunday? Whose idea was that?"

Naptown.

School started last Thursday for Seth. He likes school, but lamented its return for at least two weeks of his roughly six week summer break. His school is year round, but a rather warped year round, so he really doesn't get a long break. Nonetheless, Irvington Preparatory didn't read his memo, and started on schedule.

Now, Seth is a night owl. He likes to stay up late, but frequently wimps out and falls asleep long before his buddies. Last week, however, he ended up staying up pretty late the night before school starts, and in the morning, it showed. Keep in mind that the boy has two alarm clocks that go off -- one on one side of his head, the other on the other side. He doesn't even flinch. So every morning, the conversation is the same, and it goes like this:

"Seth. Seeeeeeth. SETH."
"::unintelligible::
"What? You have to get up."
"I'm awake."
"You have to be vertical or I'm not leaving this room."
"It's ok. I'm awake." (said as he lays stock-still, wrapped in his blanket. I haven't seen eyes yet.)
"Seth. Sit up. I'm not leaving until I see you UP."
::sits up, wrapped in a blanket like the Virgin Mary, looking like he lives under a bridge::
"I'm awake."
"Now, don't lay back down. Do you want the light?"
"Yes. Thank you."
"Ok. Have a good day."

This has been our morning conversation for two years. Occasionally he surprises me and actually wakes up for the alarm, but I think he likes our little exchange, or he's a glutton for punishment, one or the other. Well, Thursday, he was wiped out, but he knew I was driving him to school (first day, Mommy wants to see him off to school, you know), so he got up and motivated. Friday morning wasn't a whole lot better, but he got up and moving, and we made it to school just in time for him to get to class. Monday morning came, and his wagon was still draggin -- he actually did fall back to sleep briefly, but he was up in time to get in the car, though I'm not 100% positive he remembered the trip.

And then today came.

I have mentioned in the past that the boy talks in his sleep. I have also mentioned that he will have entire conversations with you that he doesn't ever remember having. Well, this morning, I went in and woke him up like usual. I use the term "woke up" loosely, as I was pretty sure he was having one of those unconscious conversations. He had actually gone to bed at a fairly reasonable hour, but he was dead to the world when I walked in. Here's how it went:

"Seth. Seeeeeeetthhhh. SETH. SETH SETH. SETH!"
::garbled unintelligible verbiage::
"SETH. Wake UP."
"garbled unintelligible verbiage::
"Seth, you have to get up. I have to see you vertical or I'm not leaving this room."
"wha......." ::garbled unintelligble verbiage::
::he makes a move, but he is wrapped up like a mummy. He sits up about 1/4 of the way, gets tangled, gives up, and lies back down::
"SETH. UP. NOW."
::He sits up. Unintelligble speech. "I'm up." The eyes are open. He is looking at me. He is probably totally unaware of what is going on, but I keep going."
"Are you awake?"
"I'm awake."
"Do you want the light?"
::unintelligble speech::
"What? You need to wake up. Don't lie back down."
"I'm awake."
"Do you want the light?"
"Yeah. Thank you."
"OK, I am going to turn on the light. Do NOT lie back down. Don't go back to sleep. You have to walk to school today, so you have to wake up."
"Ok, I'm fine."

Amazingly, he made it to school on time. I live in amazement of his abilities to get awake, when he looks so bedraggled. He is much like me -- I hate morning. So tonight, we were discussing the next couple of days, because I am off, and I can take him to school. And here's the conversation that followed.

"Did you wake me up this morning? Because if you did, I don't remember it at all."
"Yes, I did."
"Did you talk to me, because I don't remember it at all."
"Yes, we had an entire conversation, but you were pretty sleepy."
"I don't remember it at all."
"Well, it was one of those ones where I knew you were asleep, and I figured you wouldn't remember it."
"I don't."
"So Seth, I know I've been waking you up later than usual. What time do you want to get up?"
"Whenever you get up."
"But that's what I've been doing. I've been getting up later than usual though, so I'm getting you up late, and I know you need extra time to get awake. What time do you want to get up?"
"Whenever you get up."
::getting nowhere::
"Seth, what time do you set your alarm clock for?"
"Six thirty."
"OK, so I will get you up at 6:30."
"I used to set it for 5:30."
::mother shudders::
"Why in the world would you want to get up that early?"
"So I can take a nap."

Ponder that for a minute.

"So you get up earlier so you can take a nap?"
"Yeah, I like to wake up, then take a nap, so I can get awake better when I get up."

Hmmm........hmmm............I will say, this child must not be related to me, because I fly out of the bed at the last possible moment, many days, because I hate to get up, hate the sound of the alarm clock, hate morning, and everything associated with it, and if the boy didn't live here, I would seriously find a way to not get out of bed at any time that has an AM associated with it. And I will also say that there is NO WAY that I am going to wake this boy up at 5:30 am, because there is absolutely no reason on earth good enough for anyone to get up that early in the morning, unless George Clooney is involved, and I wouldn't need to be getting out of bed for that, so it's a moot point.

So tomorrow, the boy will be wakened at 6:30, and hopefully he will wake up. In time for his nap.

The Grapes of Seth

This son 'o mine never fails to crack me up.

I came home from a night of treadmilling, and Seth came bursting into the kitchen sliding sideways past me. "Do we have any grapes? I need a grape," he said, as he opened the refrigerator door. I told him I was fairly sure that we did not have grapes. I was actually QUITE sure that we didn't have any grapes, but that didn't stop him from frantically rifling the fridge, nonetheless, after which he turned to me and said "do we have a candle? I need a candle."

I reminded him that candles require fire to be of any use, and that Seth and fire stopped being a good idea like..........well, never. He kept badgering me frantically about a candle, and he went gliding -- no joke -- into the living room to get one. He came back into the kitchen asking whether we had a lighter. I pointed out that any lighters we had likely went out the door with his father, and I doubted there was one here. I told him to use a piece of spaghetti, which is the way I always light candles. He asked about that "clicky thing we use to light the fireplace," and I directed him to where it was.

I seemed to be having a problem getting an explanation as to why he needed the non-existent grape and a candle, when he informed me that he'd been watching "really interesting videos" on youtube. I asked if they involved things blowing up. He responded, "not exactly." So far this whole thing has not instilled confidence in my situation, and I barely had my jacket off.

So The Boy finds the candle, then comes in and lights it with said clicky lighter thing. Then blows OUT the candle. And semi-immediately clicks the lighter above the candle. The lighter lit. Like normal. Disappoinment on boy's face. The process was repeated. And repeated again. Each time, a sigh of disappointment. Finally after the fourth time, he pronounced that it didn't work. I asked him if he was supposed to be creating a fireball of death or what, and he responded, that no, the grape was supposed to kind of melt into a ball of protoplasm.

Except that he never found a grape. And I still have no idea where the grape was supposed to be put, since all he was doing was lighting a candle, blowing it out, and then clicking the lighter.

Sometimes I am fairly certain that Seth and I are not in the same orbit, but I want to be in his, because it is a very happy place where people are easily amused. Even without the grapes.

The F word

Football is upon us once again. ::sigh:: So here was the conversation at the dinner table tonight:

::insert discussion between Dan and Thomas about going to Denver for Thomas' 21st birthday, when the beloved Broncos are playing the Colts::
Dan: "Seth, when are you going to become a football fan?"

Seth: "Well, Thomas started being a football fan when he was about my age. So it's either going to be soon, or maybe never."

Leaving it wide open, he is.

Again with the Sethanese

It's been a while since I've talked about Sethanese. Maybe that's because the older the kid gets, the more he holes up in his room, so we don't get to hear it as much. Maybe it's because his brother moved out and his sister left for college, so they don't egg him on. Or maybe it's because he's just gotten quieter.

In either event, tonight Dan decided to treat us to dinner at Outback -- for full price, no coupon, even. I thought I might die of the shock, and then I thought maybe I should take his temperature, because the man never pays full price for anything. I think that he was just being sweet though, because he knew I had a wild day at work, where I strongly considered the idea that I might need to start drinking.

So there we were, just sittting there eating and chatting, when Dan suddenly said he would pay Seth 50 bucks if he could name the group who was responsible for the song playing overhead. Blank look from the kid. "It's a late 60s, early 70s band." Blank stare. "Iconic." He finally replied "The Rolling Stones." "Nope, but kind of close in the name." Still staring. "It's Sly and the Family Stone, Seth. Have you heard of them?" "Nope.

Pretty soon, Seth asked if we could name the artist who sings intro to some random blog that I've never heard of. It may be a youtube video blog, for all I know, but I can't remember the name, because what came after that cracked me up so much that I had to get out my inhaler.
Remember, he's challenging us to name the name of the artist.

"It's two words." Blank look, from the parents this time. "Well, not two words, but one of those two word words that's really one word." I asked him "you mean a compound word?" "Yeah. A compound word. Except it's not really two words. Well, it's not two words at all." VERY blank stare from the parents. Dan finally gave up the ghost and said "I give up. Who is it?"

Seth looked him right in the eye and said, with a note of frustration, "I have no idea. I was hoping you'd know."

Good Lord.

Sethanese, revisited

I've been gone for a while, but man, oh man, has it been busy! I've bought a
new website, which is so much fun, but also a lot of work at the same time. Work is always good, in my book, though, so that's fine.

Also been doing the nursey thing too, which is always entertaining. Over the summer, I got the "official" title of trainer, and I've been busy training the new staff, as well as the old. Taking calls, too, of course, which is my constant source of entertainment. Best one this week? Probably the mom who called to say that her 8yo son was chillin' out on the couch, just watching TV, when his little brother came and jammed a thermometer in his ear. YOWZA! Kinda like that scene in Batman where the joker makes the pencil disappear. Needless to say, that kid went to the ER, and I had a headache the rest of the night.

But today, I was off, so Seth and I drove to Vincennes to get Thomas and his roommate for the weekend. We got running late, so I told Seth I'd buy him some Arby's on the way there. Ordered, with little or no idea what the guy said when he repeated it back, because the speaker was so bad. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when we drove off and found that Seth not only hadn't gotten the honey mustard he asked for, but that he had a lemonade instead of a Sprite.

And so, in the interest of those wanting to become fluent in Sethanese, I thought I'd share the conversation with you:
S: "This Sprite tastes like lemonade. That's weird."
M: "IS it lemonade?"
S: "Maybe. Oh well, no big deal."
Silence, while eating. Seth was eating barbecue chicken shakers with ketchup on them. Made me need a Prilosec, just looking at it.

About 25 miles later, out of the blue:
S: "It's so weird that they gave me lemonade when it's raining outside."
M: "What does the rain have to do with it?"
S: "Never mind."
M: "No, really. What's the difference?"
S: "Well, lemonade isn't a rainy day drink. You drink lemonade when it's hot outside, not on rainy days."
M: "Well, what about Sprite? When do you drink Sprite?"

The question was met with a long, hard stare from Seth, who just shook his head at my ignorance, and said "never mind," in that dismissive tone that lets the parent of a teenager know that they are way, way beneath the subject material.

And so, to sooth my broken ego, I went looking for something gaw-geous, and found this absolutely smashing vintage 60s emerald Lurex dress, from

Figure 8 Studio. WOWZA! Grab it up now.

Sethanese, Part II

I love regional accents. I love accents, in general. As a matter of fact, we have one doctor at work who has such a fabulous French accent, that I sometimes page him when he's on call, just to listen to him talk. OK, so not exactly, but I do look forward to talking to him, and tell the other girls that I'll page him for them, if need be.

Antonio Banderas has a pretty cool accent too, even when it's on a Nasonex commercial. Dutch accents are really, really hot. I think Canadian accents are fun -- even when it's from my sister. Ohyeahsure youbetcha.

In Gatlinburg, it goes without saying that most people speak with a twang. You can't go anywhere without hearing a ya'll, or a y'ins. Y'ins always makes me giggle. It just sounds funny. But not so funny as Seth, when he decides to serve as a translator.
He spent much of our vacation translating regular English (which, of course, is something of a misnomer. Americans speak an odd derivative of proper English, that is rarely understood from one generation to the next).

Now, we all understand that Seth orbit is just a little wider than most of ours. Those of us who live with him also understand that he has enough of a range of sound effects that he could take that show on the road, maybe even with his brother, who does a mean Wookie imitation. But I think that the funniest thing I've heard is Seth's translation service, when he translates into hillbilly.

Granted, it basically consists of variations of "derkadur. Uh der der der. Derkadur," but it's hilarious to listen to. And since there were a LOT of hillbilly accents in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, we got the full effect. It started with Jill, I believe, saying that she hadn't understood a word of what someone said, and Seth turning to her, and saying, quite seriously, "he said uh derkadur." From there on out, all hope was lost of me keeping a straight face, whenever Sethanese went hillbilly, because he carried it off so well.

"What would y'ins lahk for dinna" would turn into "derk derkadur dur dur," as soon as the server was out of earshot. "What kahnd of fudge would ya'll lahk," turned into "derky derky derky dur." I swear he probably was doing it in his sleep, like a drunken Annie Sullivan.

I've often told this kid that God gave him to me, just to make me laugh, and he always does just that. The kid is a nut, so here's a Nut and Squirrel print pair of golf pants, from Rubeus-Feire, on ebay. Der der der.