The 12 Step Program for Arachnophobia

I hate creepy crawly things. I camp, but I don't like anything crawling next to me when I do. So, when we had an influx of wolf spiders at the house a year or two ago, I wasn't too happy.

I was lying in bed one night when one of those suckers crawled right up on my chest and saluted whilst I was reading my book. The shriek that emanated from my mouth was probably like none other, but suffice it to say, that spider knew that it was not welcome in my house. The whole neighborhood probably knew that it wasn't welcome in my house.

DS17 doesn't like them either. The three kids were in his room one day, just doing kid stuff. DD and DS12 came running out -- dd laughing at her brother, of course. DS said there was a spider in there, and he wasn't going back in. DD, who fears no living creature, sat laughing at the wimpy boy, when suddenly ds17 came shooting outta there like a bat outta hell. Came to an abrupt stop in front of me with that "try to be cool" look. When I asked what the problem was, he blurted out something about "thebiggestdamnspiderI'veeverseeninmylife." DD really started laughing then, but ds17 claimed that he really just wanted to watch TV.

That boy hasn't watched TV since 1993, when he would sing "gogo Power Rangers."

So I went in there looking for it. Tore that room apart and yep, he was right. Biggest damn spider I've ever seen in MY life. And of course, when I tried to whack it, what happened? It ran right into MY room. Under my bed.

Well, you know, I wasn't gonna sleep, knowing that spider was under there. So dd said she'd take care of it. Said "I'll scare it out and you whack it." So she did, and I didn't. When I took one look at that huge thing running full tilt at me, I ran screaming out of the room and fell smack on my face in the hall.

DD just sighed. "OK," she says, "this time, I'm gonna get it out from under that dresser right there, and this time, instead of running screaming out of the room, you are going to kill it. WRONG. No way I was gonna get that done.

So the bratty gurl just laughed at her mother, scared that nasty booger out from under my dresser and sent it to its eternal reward, from underneath my slipper. I think I threw the slippers away.

The spiders continued till I finally read somewhere that you get rid of them with citrusy smelling stuff. I sprayed with Orange Pledge, lit orange candles, and burned lemon potpourri. Didn't see one the rest of the season. Hopefully, I won't see them again this year, but if I do, I'll just send dd after them. If she can stop laughing.

And so, in honor of AA (Arachnophobiacs Anonymous), here's a great Salvador Dali tie, from Dorothea's Closet, on ebay. It features a spider motif. Citrus aroma not included.