25 years and counting

On May 20th, I have officially been a nurse for 25 years. And we've lived in our house for 16 years. But it's the 25 years that blows my mind.

Things I have learned in 25 years:

If someone tells you if you don't let them out of bed, they're gonna die -- let them out of bed. I had someone tell me that one time, and he was dead 20 minutes later. After all the dust settled, the doc running the code shrugged and said "you shoulda let him outta bed."

If an alcoholic in DTs goes wild looking for an ashtray, stand back, cause he's gonna blow. I learned this the hard way.

With regard to orifices (orifix? orifi?): what goes up doesn't necessarily go out, so don't go there.

Someone always dies on Christmas Eve. Deaths on Christmas Eve are doubly sad.

No boyfriend or baby daddy is ever in jail. He is "currently incarcerated."

Weekends and holidays really aren't that important, if you enjoy the rest of the year with your little family.

Hospital food still sucks. Although the best hospital food I ever had was a brief stint working at Florida Hospital, in Orlando -- a Seventh Day Adventist hospital that only served vegetarian food.

When a woman says the baby's coming, she ain't lying. I was one of those women.

Never give someone a bath if they are teetering on the brink. It's the quickest way to send 'em to meet Jesus.

The morgue is always the creepiest place in the hospital.

If you live through a July hospitalization in a teaching hospital, thank your nurse, cause she probably saved you from certain death at the hand of the new residents.

If your doctor plays his own mix tapes during your surgery, request that it not include Garth Brooks singing "If Tomorrow Never Comes."

Never underestimate the power of Mountain Dew, especially at 4 a.m.

Sleep is optional.

At some point in her career, all nurses will walk in on a couple expressing their affections in ways that inappropriate to a hospital setting. There's a reason it's called bed REST.

Never, ever do anything that any of your drunk friends dare you to do, especially if you are drunk yourself. Don't visit anyone drunk. You know what? Don't drink, period. It just gives us too much material to work with.

Nursing is still the best profession out there, if you go into it for the right reasons. If you go into it for the wrong reasons, give up hope, all ye who enter.

And so I went looking for something pretty, and celebratory, for my special day. I found this 40s Draped beaded dress, from Retro Glamour, on ebay. It's sure to cure what ails you.