PMS is a terrible thing to waste

The doc that hubby used to work for swore that PMS didn't exist. Odd, because she is a woman, but she really didn't believe that it was real. I say, come to our house.

Keep a calendar handy, because it's always helpful to know when PMS may be looming. If you forget to keep track, watch for signs, like

The Look -- a glare that will peel your skin off, layer by layer, till you look like The Visible Man.

The Rolling Eyes -- eyes that suddenly disappear into the head during an upward spiral. It is not recommended to slap the victim on the back during The Rolling Eyes, lest the eyes pop out and fly across the room.

The Folded Arms -- a stance that says "You have no choice, you're already in the fight." Trying to avoid what comes after the arms have folded is useless. Just give in to the Force.

The Ugly Cry -- trademarked by Oprah, it's a classic PMS thing. I've been known to have the Ugly Cry show up during movies like Beetlejuice -- a movie that, to this day, I've never seen in its entirety. A comedy during which I had shaking sobs so bad that hubby had to turn it off and to this day, even HE hasn't seen it all the way through.

How does one combat PMS? It's very simple: chocolate. Milk chocolate, to be specific, with a side of foot massage. DS13 has already told me that for Mother's Day, I will be receiving coupons for five foot massages. Does that tell you anything? Foot massages could solve the Middle East issues, I tell you. There's nothing like having one's feet rubbed, especially when it feels like some body parts might explode, implode, or just plain fall out. But back to chocolate -- it solves a world of evils, but you may as well just stock up on everything, because sometimes, eating everything in your path is just the thing to do.

Music might also help, but nothing sad. You might try something like "She Drives Me Crazy," by, ironically, the Fine Young Cannibals. Sadly, the group was never heard from again, once they recorded the song. Perhaps the mother ate her young.

Wearing soothing colors might help to assuage The Mood, but likewise, be on the watch for what she's wearing. If it's anything in red, like this Lorraine lounging robe, tell her she looks mahvelous, then back slowly out of the room. If you see The Look, grab me that little pretty, available now at Damn Good Vintage, and pass me the bonbons.

I just might let you live.